The Adventures of CAPTAIN RANDOM!

Greetings true believers!!!
I am Captain Random!!!
From time to time he will appear and write the most insane commentaries on things that go on in life or have happened in life or that have nothing to DO with life...
if you tell my secret identity, i will come to your house and tell your children Santa Claus is an extraterrestrial being who feeds on naughty kids brains...

ah,
how many of us did NOT grow up watching the Price Is Right during our summers while home from school? If you didn't, you ma'am sir were a nerd...or so poor you couldn't buy a TV.
Everyone knows that The Price is Right came on right before the News and depending on what coast you were on As The World Turns, and everyone from their embryonic beginnings desires nothing but to be in Contestants Row just for a chance to bid $1250.00 on a JiffyPop Popcorn maker. Oh those wacky California Taxes!
I mean what's not to love about THAT?!

Millions of people get to see you run down front as your name is called and fall on your face if you trip over a carpet end or some assholes wad of gum. They also get to see you look dumbfounded as you bid on some crap that won't fit in your efficiency apartment or that only costs $10 bucks at Target, but costs $3,000 on the show, just for a chance to get on stage.

but THEN theres the dark side...yeah that's what this post is about.
The DARK SIDE of The Price is Right...the things that we all HATE and FEAR.

Contestants Row - Blessing...and curse in disguise. This is the best place to be on the show and yet the worst if you're still there when after the first Showcase Showdown they announce those ill-fated words "CONTESTANTS NOT APPEARING ON STAGE SHALL RECEIVE...".
Don't you feel sorry for the loser that's stuck there? Because they would be the person who lost to the little old lady that kept bidding ONE dollar over YOUR bid till she won something. And what do they give that person left on contestant row? "SKIPPY FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER and Dr. SCHOLL's INSOLES" oh my gawd talk about being gyped!

Okay, say you make it on stage, but you're pissed now because the person before you is the one who won the $100 for guessing a price exactly right. So after cooling off about that, you aren't amazed by the fact that you're actually onstage, nor by the fact that Bob Barker is wearing an orange yellow and red checkerd Blazer from 1972, but you are mesmerized by that thing he is holding that they call a microphone. WHAT THE HELL KINDA MICROPHONE IS THAT?! It looks like a giant straight pin. A good portion of my life has been spent trying to find a microphone on this planet that even slightly resembled that thing. As a youth my ultimate goal was to get on stage next to him and bend the damn thing into a knot because it was so flimsy looking....that or bite the tip of it off.

So now Bob is standing there looking at you like an idot, and your greatest fear is realized when the Announcer says, "YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY.....CALCULU$!!! "

OH... MY...GOD...I wake up screaming from this nightmare all the time.
Of course Calculus isn't a real game, but with my damn luck they would make it part of the regular regime.
There is nothing I hate more than complicated games. Especially when you're the guinea pig they try a new game out on. Or even worse, you get put on a game that you have the LOWEST possible chance of winning, or one that NO ONE EVER wins or one that you have to actually THINK on....Like the MATH game. WHO THE HELL came up with this DAMN GAME? or the Grocery Game...I don't know about you guys but I can't WAIT to move to California and buy a $2.38 pack of Spearmint gum! To HELL with vending machines that sell it for a quarter! And hey, $23.98 for Preperation H is a STEAL!

But this still isn't the coupe de grace...you still have when you lose on the easiest game there is, The Clock Game (come on, you know what this is: start a a price and Bob screams higher!higher!higher!lower! at you for 60 seconds while laughing at your dumb ass), or the dreaded Showcase when you loose your showcase from overbidding by 100 bucks or suffering the ultimate fate when you try to play cool and pass the Showcase you shoulda bid on and you get a fucking vintage jukebox and a 5th wheel camper, and THEN loose that to a DOUBLE SHOWCASE winner...yeah those will come in another rant.


Tune in next time as Captain Random talks about childhood horrors like being frightened of the Dragon in Tic-Tac-Dough, and your Mother being on Wheel of Fortune and the entire world hears her ask for an "Arrah"