Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hiiiiidey Ho!

Okay so I've been gone for a LONG time. But I will do my best to at least show up once a week folks.
I have so much to talk about :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

PSA on Hating for 2009: Revisited

Originally posted in January 09 on Facebook, I've decided to revisit this post because it still needs to be shared.

Greetings all my internet friends and associates!

Notice how I said friends AND associates? Why?
Just because they are on your FRIENDS list doesn't mean they are your friend. Learn this and remember...For it will save your life, or even more, your dignity.

It seems once a song about any particular colloquialism that wasn't a big subject before,(but was used by everyone in the black community) hits the air waves, that is a signal that said colloquialisms life span is over. That or if MTV commercials or VH1 comedians on I Love The *insert year* make jokes about it.

Prime examples are "bling bling" and "bitchassness".

Today we are going to talk about a word that has been just outright abused in the last few years.


It seems that in todays society you are labeled a hater if you do not agree with something wrong that someone is doing, if you don't like something, or something someone has said. (THANKS Maino and JIll Scott, you fuckers... )Let’s get a few things straight:

~ Calling you out for doing questionable AND/OR plain dumb stuff is NOT hating! ~

~ Calling out whack niggas & broads is NOT hating! ~

When you as a DECENT person do NOT call out a mofo who you KNOW is whack for lying, and fronting, you are contributing to the problem. It's like watching a litterbug throw trash everywhere, and you don't stop him or report him and THEN have the nerve to complain about how much garbage is gathering around the park.

if you KNOW you lying and you are whack, it is NOT hating when someone calls you to the carpet.
If its a lie, then offer proof, and shut EVERYONE up. You will thus ensure that everyone who doubted you will now back you because you offered hard core proof…sorta.

if your BOY is a liar, and he gets with someone you KNOW is a good girl WARN HER. It is NOT hating! That’s like seeing someone about to get shot and pushing them out the way and the shooter saying
“Aw man you HATIN!”

uh, NO!

If you got a man that even remotely can be garbage and three THOUSAND of your closest friends and associates tell you he is garbage, not the right one for you, or that you don't need to be in a relationship right’s a STRONG possibility since it is coming from EVERYONE, THEY ARE NOT HATING. The entire city and internet cannot be haters at the same time. Its scientifically impossible.

Let’s look at a few examples...


"QueeQuee, I don't think you should get with this guy right now, I mean your dog just died, and the economy is bad, you just broke up with Tyrone 3 minutes ago, as your friend, I am telling you -..."

"GURL YOU JUST HATIN ON ME cause YOU ain't got a man chasin’ after you!"


"Man, I got all these hoes that give me shit at the drop of a dime. I RUN THIS YA HEARD ME?"

"Craig...don't you live with yo momma...and you sleep on an air mattress, in her basement?"

"You just HATIN' cause you ain’t got all these hoes like me chump!"

"Keshalajah, We yo’ girls right? We gotta come to you because we love you. We noticed you be actin mad different when that nigga is around. You don't do shit with us no more, you don't return calls, you let this nigga drive yo car, spend your money, smoke weed with yo momma, and fuck your 20 yr old younger sister. He ain’t got no job, and last night we have camera phone pics of him with that dumb girl QueeQuee!"

"Yall bitches just be HATIN'! Yall bitches mad cause you ain't got a man like MINES. We are IN LOVE!"

“Raylonjella, girl you KNOW you are too big for that outfit!”

“BITCH QUIT HATIN ON ALL THIS! You just mad cause all the niggas flock to me when we go out. Skinny bitches must DIE!”

I want EVERYONE, (ev-er-ry one?) Yes nigga, EV-ER-RY ONE to spread the new message of 2009.

Hating is only hating if you've got no legit beef with the hatee and no proof.


everyone say hi to craig!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Adventures of CAPTAIN RANDOM!

Greetings true believers!!!
I am Captain Random!!!
From time to time he will appear and write the most insane commentaries on things that go on in life or have happened in life or that have nothing to DO with life...
if you tell my secret identity, i will come to your house and tell your children Santa Claus is an extraterrestrial being who feeds on naughty kids brains...

how many of us did NOT grow up watching the Price Is Right during our summers while home from school? If you didn't, you ma'am sir were a nerd...or so poor you couldn't buy a TV.
Everyone knows that The Price is Right came on right before the News and depending on what coast you were on As The World Turns, and everyone from their embryonic beginnings desires nothing but to be in Contestants Row just for a chance to bid $1250.00 on a JiffyPop Popcorn maker. Oh those wacky California Taxes!
I mean what's not to love about THAT?!

Millions of people get to see you run down front as your name is called and fall on your face if you trip over a carpet end or some assholes wad of gum. They also get to see you look dumbfounded as you bid on some crap that won't fit in your efficiency apartment or that only costs $10 bucks at Target, but costs $3,000 on the show, just for a chance to get on stage.

but THEN theres the dark side...yeah that's what this post is about.
The DARK SIDE of The Price is Right...the things that we all HATE and FEAR.

Contestants Row - Blessing...and curse in disguise. This is the best place to be on the show and yet the worst if you're still there when after the first Showcase Showdown they announce those ill-fated words "CONTESTANTS NOT APPEARING ON STAGE SHALL RECEIVE...".
Don't you feel sorry for the loser that's stuck there? Because they would be the person who lost to the little old lady that kept bidding ONE dollar over YOUR bid till she won something. And what do they give that person left on contestant row? "SKIPPY FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER and Dr. SCHOLL's INSOLES" oh my gawd talk about being gyped!

Okay, say you make it on stage, but you're pissed now because the person before you is the one who won the $100 for guessing a price exactly right. So after cooling off about that, you aren't amazed by the fact that you're actually onstage, nor by the fact that Bob Barker is wearing an orange yellow and red checkerd Blazer from 1972, but you are mesmerized by that thing he is holding that they call a microphone. WHAT THE HELL KINDA MICROPHONE IS THAT?! It looks like a giant straight pin. A good portion of my life has been spent trying to find a microphone on this planet that even slightly resembled that thing. As a youth my ultimate goal was to get on stage next to him and bend the damn thing into a knot because it was so flimsy looking....that or bite the tip of it off.

So now Bob is standing there looking at you like an idot, and your greatest fear is realized when the Announcer says, "YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY.....CALCULU$!!! "

OH... MY...GOD...I wake up screaming from this nightmare all the time.
Of course Calculus isn't a real game, but with my damn luck they would make it part of the regular regime.
There is nothing I hate more than complicated games. Especially when you're the guinea pig they try a new game out on. Or even worse, you get put on a game that you have the LOWEST possible chance of winning, or one that NO ONE EVER wins or one that you have to actually THINK on....Like the MATH game. WHO THE HELL came up with this DAMN GAME? or the Grocery Game...I don't know about you guys but I can't WAIT to move to California and buy a $2.38 pack of Spearmint gum! To HELL with vending machines that sell it for a quarter! And hey, $23.98 for Preperation H is a STEAL!

But this still isn't the coupe de still have when you lose on the easiest game there is, The Clock Game (come on, you know what this is: start a a price and Bob screams higher!higher!higher!lower! at you for 60 seconds while laughing at your dumb ass), or the dreaded Showcase when you loose your showcase from overbidding by 100 bucks or suffering the ultimate fate when you try to play cool and pass the Showcase you shoulda bid on and you get a fucking vintage jukebox and a 5th wheel camper, and THEN loose that to a DOUBLE SHOWCASE winner...yeah those will come in another rant.

Tune in next time as Captain Random talks about childhood horrors like being frightened of the Dragon in Tic-Tac-Dough, and your Mother being on Wheel of Fortune and the entire world hears her ask for an "Arrah"

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Man Laws: Revisited

Learn them, know them, obey them.

• Never use a urinal side-by-side to another dude. Always leave AT LEAST one between you and the next man, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU HAVE TO PEE.

• Never call ya boy, and just sit on the phone,
and also if you can avoid it, never call while you're laying down in the bed or couch.

• never fix your boy a plate, let that nigga get his own ish....You are not that niggas woman.

• If two men are competing for the same woman, don't trick or playa-hate to gain the upper hand. Both are fouls of the highest order.


• Don't go to the movies with your homeboy unless you have some female dates or some ish...
If you do so happen to end up at the movies with ya nigga, sit at least, AT LEAST, two seats apart.

Dont share no popcorn,....Your hands might touch, and that would be gay.

• Never call a nigga after midnight, unless its a life or death emergency.

• never walk side by side in the mall unless one of you is on the cell phone...and the other is hollering at a female across the walkway.

• you NEVER ask a dude what kind of Cologne he is wearing. If you like the cologne, simply say WHAT THE FUKK IS THAT SMELL and pray that he'll say IT'S MY _ _ _ _ _ _ COLOGNE. If he doesn't reveal the name, then you are allowed to resort to Plan B: one day b4 you go out, purposely forget to put on cologne & ask his permission to pick one from out of his collection

• Pussy is not worth losing your job. Ain't a woman alive that looks better than a paycheck...

• If a female dont give you the time of day, even after buying her a drink or two, dont get salty at the next man cause he pulled her on your "dime." Just because you bought her a drink doesnt mean you own her for the night. Make some room for the next man to holla

• It doesn't matter what the song says. Don't fall in love with strippers. They don't like you. They like your money. Their favorite days are paydays and income tax season.

• If you're riding in the car with ya boy. Make sure both of your arms are NOT on the arm rest in the middle at the same time. You possibly could touch elbows or hands, and that would also be gay.

• If you call your boy, and he doesn't answer the phone, when he finally does answer, don't get mad and start crying like a girl, talking bout "why you didn't call me back, why didn't you answer your phone". (unless someone is hurt or dead, or you need him to make up a lie to tell your girlfriend where you was at last night.)

• Never have a 3-some with a woman and another man. There is a one penis per room rule. Cause If any part of his penis touches you or if he touches you at all, you must kill everyone in the room

• never call a woman by the nickname another nigga gave her.

• If you and three of your homies are kicking it at the house and two females come over one of them niggas has to take one for the team and accept the fact that its gonna be a two on two. Don't sit there and try to compete with ya boy over the last remaining female.

• This ESPECIALLY is for your frat brothers/chapter bros/ spec/sands/whomever!!

"If you know a chick is feeling your frat, although YOU tried to holla and she wasn't feelin YOU, Do like Steve Nash and send the assist your frats way, instead of hating ie: "Oh you like him?!! He has a girl I believe" or "he doesn't like Lightskin/Darkskin girls" or "Didn't he mess with your ____________"

• If ya boy pass out drunk on you couch or floor, don't be trying to take that nigga shoes and clothes off, and putting covers on him and ish...Especially me, just leave my shoes and shit on. I'll be good.

• If someone accuses you of doing something gay or being gay and your comeback line is "you're just insecure with your sexuality." You're a fag.

• If your boys are over, by no means will you EVER put in a pr0n flick and be like "Aye yall peep this..." that would be gay and you would be immediately buried up to your neck in sand and stoned.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Its THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH! I will be back to move in.
This blog will feature my outlook on a various array of topics from sex, religion, rock and roll, drugs and cartoons. I will also do some sketches and post custom work from time to time.